When Someone You Love Is Using: A New Hampshire Family Guide
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Watching someone you care about drink or use drugs in a way that is hurting them can make you feel scared, angry, exhausted, confused, or responsible for fixing it.
You may be wondering:
- Is this actually a substance-use problem?
- Should I confront them?
- Am I helping, or am I making it easier for this to continue?
- What if they refuse treatment?
- What if they relapse again?
- When does this become an emergency?
There is no perfect script and no way to control another adult into recovery. Family members can still influence what happens next, make help easier to accept, protect themselves, and get support of their own.
What should I do right now?
Someone is in immediate danger
Call 911.
Someone is in a mental-health or substance-use crisis
Call or text 988, or call NH Rapid Response at 833-710-6477.
Opioid overdose may be involved
Call 911 and give naloxone if available.
Heavy daily alcohol use / possible dangerous withdrawal
Encourage medical evaluation rather than abruptly stopping without medical guidance.
They are willing to talk about getting help
Call 211 / connect with The Doorway or identify an outpatient provider.
They refuse help
Focus on safety, boundaries, communication, and support for yourself.
How do I know if this is becoming a problem?
Practical warning signs include:
- drinking or using more often or in larger amounts
- difficulty cutting back despite wanting to
- missed work, school, parenting, or relationship responsibilities
- repeated arguments or broken trust connected to substance use
- driving or taking other risks while impaired
- using substances to manage anxiety, depression, trauma, or stress
- increasing tolerance or withdrawal symptoms
- repeated legal, financial, or health consequences
- spending increasing amounts of time getting, using, or recovering from substances
You do not have to diagnose someone or wait for them to “hit bottom” before taking the situation seriously.
How to start the conversation
Conversations usually go better when:
- the person is reasonably sober
- neither person is in the middle of a fight
- there is privacy and enough time
- the goal is understanding rather than winning
Instead of: You’re an alcoholic.
Use: I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking a lot more lately, and I’m worried about you.
Instead of: You’re ruining everything.
Use: I’m seeing this affect your work and our relationship, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Useful questions include:
- What do you like about drinking or using?
- What are you starting to dislike about it?
- Have you thought about changing anything?
- What would make getting help feel less overwhelming?
- Would you be willing to talk with someone once, even if you are not ready to stop?
What usually makes things worse
- confronting someone while intoxicated
- attacking or shaming them as a family
- arguing endlessly about whether they “really have a problem”
- threats you do not intend to follow through on
- monitoring every move until your own life revolves around their substance use
- treating one refusal as proof they will never accept help
Boundaries are not punishment
A boundary describes what you will do, not how you will control the other person.
For example:
- I’m not getting in the car with you if you’ve been drinking.
- I won’t give you cash when I believe it will be used for substances.
- You can stay here if you are not using in the house.
- I’m willing to help you call treatment programs. I’m not willing to call your employer and lie about why you missed work.
A useful boundary is:
- specific
- realistic
- connected to safety or wellbeing
- something the person setting it can actually follow through on
Support vs. taking over
Support can look like
- sitting with someone while they call 211
- helping find an evaluation or provider
- driving them to an appointment
- helping understand insurance
- keeping naloxone available
- attending a family-support meeting
- helping identify treatment options
Taking over can look like
- repeatedly lying for them
- paying consequences they are capable of addressing
- hiding substance use from people who need to know for safety
- taking over every responsibility while your own life deteriorates
- making yourself responsible for whether they recover
The goal is not to abandon someone. It is to support healthier behavior without becoming responsible for managing another adult’s recovery.
What if they refuse treatment?
Refusal today does not necessarily mean refusal forever. Family members can:
- keep communication open
- stop repeating the same argument every night
- offer one concrete option instead of twenty
- get support for themselves
- revisit the conversation when motivation or consequences change
Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT)
CRAFT is an evidence-based approach designed to help concerned family members improve their own wellbeing, respond differently to substance use, reinforce healthier behavior, and increase the likelihood that a treatment-resistant loved one may eventually accept help.
CRAFT does not guarantee that someone will enter treatment.
If they say yes to help
The first step does not need to be complicated. In New Hampshire, 211 / The Doorway can help connect people with substance-use services and appropriate levels of care.
Possible care options include:
- outpatient counseling
- medication for opioid or alcohol use disorder
- intensive outpatient treatment
- partial hospitalization
- withdrawal management
- residential treatment
- peer recovery support
- mutual-help groups
The right level of care depends on safety, withdrawal risk, daily functioning, previous treatment, mental health, and other factors.
If relapse happens
Relapse does not mean nothing worked, but it does mean something needs to be reassessed.
- What was happening before the return to use?
- Did treatment end too soon?
- Was the person isolated from recovery support?
- Did anxiety, depression, trauma, pain, or relationship stress increase?
- Is the current level of treatment enough?
- Are medications or medical care worth discussing?
- Does the recovery environment need to change?
If opioids are involved, overdose risk can increase after a period of reduced use because tolerance may be lower.
Instead of: See? You’ll never change.
Try: Something about the plan wasn’t enough. What needs to be different this time?
What about the rest of the family?
Substance use can affect partners, parents, siblings, and children. It can affect finances, trust, sleep, anxiety, hypervigilance, resentment, parenting, and relationships.
Family support may include:
- individual counseling
- couples counseling
- family therapy where appropriate
- peer/family organizations
- Al-Anon
- Nar-Anon
- family recovery groups
Family support in New Hampshire and New England
The Family Restored
Family support groups, peer coaching, workshops, and virtual support for people affected by a loved one’s addiction. The organization’s approach is primarily 12-step oriented. It currently offers support in New Hampshire and elsewhere in New England.
Learn to Cope
Peer-led support and education for parents, spouses, siblings, grandparents, and other loved ones affected by substance use. Offers virtual and in-person meetings, overdose-prevention education, and an online family community.
It is Massachusetts-based, with virtual access that can be useful to families across New England.
SOS Recovery Community Organization
New Hampshire family-recovery support, including virtual and Seacoast-area options for people affected by a loved one’s substance use.
NAMI New Hampshire
Family support groups for people affected by a loved one’s mental-health condition, including support relevant to families dealing with co-occurring mental-health and substance-use concerns.
Sharing Without Shame
A free New Hampshire online support community for parents and family members affected by a loved one’s active addiction, alcoholism, or early recovery.
ARCHWAYS
New Hampshire family-support and peer-recovery services with community locations including Tilton, Concord, Plymouth, and Franklin.
Meeting locations, schedules, and programs can change. Confirm current information directly with each organization before attending.
You are allowed to get help even if they refuse
You do not have to wait until the person you are worried about agrees to treatment before getting support for yourself.
Counseling can help family members work on:
- boundaries
- anxiety and hypervigilance
- communication
- resentment
- guilt
- parenting
- relationship decisions
- understanding addiction
- preparing for relapse or crisis
- deciding what they are and are not willing to live with
Your life does not have to remain on hold until someone else changes.
New Hampshire resources
- 211 New Hampshire / The Doorway
- 211 New Hampshire / The Doorway
Dial 211. Substance-use treatment navigation and community services. - NH Rapid Response Access Point
- NH Rapid Response Access Point
Call 833-710-6477 or 988. Text 988.
Behavioral-health crisis support. - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call 988 or text 988. - SAMHSA National Helpline
- SAMHSA National Helpline
1-800-662-4357 - NH Recovery Hub
- NH Recovery Hub
Peer recovery/community recovery resources throughout NH. - Al-Anon Family Groups
- Al-Anon Family Groups
- Nar-Anon Family Groups
- Nar-Anon Family Groups
About this guide
Written by Ken Haberland, LCMHC, MLADC, H&H Counseling
Last reviewed: October 2026
This guide is general educational information and is not a diagnosis, crisis evaluation, or substitute for medical care.
It was created to help New Hampshire families understand what they can do when someone they care about is struggling with alcohol or drug use—whether or not that person ever receives services from H&H Counseling.
You are welcome to print, share, or link to this guide.
Where H&H Counseling fits
H&H Counseling provides outpatient counseling for adults and couples in Tilton and Concord, New Hampshire, with telehealth available statewide.
H&H works with adults dealing with:
- substance use and recovery
- anxiety and depression
- trauma
- relationship concerns
- relapse prevention
- family stress related to substance use
Family members and partners can seek counseling for themselves even when the person they are worried about is not ready for treatment.
Public work phone: 978-547-8633